'Butterfly Effect'

Reflections on life’s woes and what I have still to learn.

2009 has arrived, and as my birthday is near the start of January, my 58 years arrived as well. Due to what a friend as called a ’lovers’ tiff, a difference of opinion that creates confusion and some resentment, I am yet again sitting contemplating the causes for my having been married three times, and divorced the same number, lived with several other ladies and have just reached an impasse within my current relationship. I do not seem to have found inner fulfilment and security, and in many ways it will not help me by living in Brazil, I do not know how I can ever find a relationship that can dovetail into my life, not changing it or theirs or both changing in equal proportion for both to gain and not one to lose.

It is the continual loss that I feel, not with the vast amount of money that as certainly been lost by myself with three divorces, but the loss of dignity and true friendship, the constant moving and giving up a life to live with another and the reality that what I have gained is of small value. It is interesting that I have this moment in time called on two friends in Scotland to give me their opinion on what is happening in my life. In regards to my ‘lovers’ tiff, one friend said that I should see tomorrow with a smile and not reflect to much on the past mistakes but accept the mistakes as a part of my life’s walk. This is clearly true but I think that it will be a continuing feature if I cannot see how to fulfil my inner desires. The daily needs are so much easier to fulfil, it is not necessary to pre-plan as one action affects all and the results can be directed in some way. The emotional needs and desires are far more of a challenge, there is DNA as well as social burdens that affect these responses and it is often the family that have created the plan when you are so small and vulnerable. The direction that you take after leaving the womb can be anything but straight forward.

I am a person that is inquisitive and in many ways adventurous, whether this is partly because of the fact that I am the youngest and in many ways left to defend for himself( the typical scenario that the eldest gets most attention and as the mother learns to feel less worried by the subsequent births, she also gives up the sense of caring and leaves the eldest children to defend the youngest, orders the eldest to play with the youngest, this then can lead to, as in my case, brothers feeling resentment for having to look after the youngest, and the mother forgetting to show care for the youngest). This independent streak is countered by a desire to find the love that I felt I lost at home, it as got confused in my mind with a sense of manly strength and courage, I have in the past had relationships and marriages with woman that are in many ways trying to find a father figure that is more caring than the father they had, but in my St George armour I have created a figure that is to be used, or in two cases, abused. I have given the desired support at a cost to my self, the love and support that I crave is not easily obtained from this type of lady and these relationships have left me feeling guilty, humiliated, stressed, without fulfilment and most times without a house and job, moving to be away from the area of torment as meant that I am continually restarting my life and work.

What my other friend said in his response to my request for council, was, that it would appear that I have found a very true and loving person in my present relationship, but that there may be signs that this person is very much attached to the family and her friends ( which is clearly the failing that I have in both parts and in now being many miles and a language from my own culture), it would seem, and my friend says all this from little knowledge of my relationship but on knowledge of myself, that my lady would really want to be in a full and stable relationship at the moment, and if I was to give up what I had and felt comfortable with living the life that she feels is certain and correct, I could have a very locing relationship. But, and this is the but in my life, he feels that I would feel threatened by the enclosure and the lack of self respect from the diminishing of my opinions to keep a steady ship would lead quickly to my sense of resentment and entrapment, which would lead to unhappiness on both sides and recriminations from both . In many ways it is sad that such a lady that I have found now, should not have been found so many years ago, when both young and able to adapt to each other and create a life only as a couple, seeing the future as one with both sets of eyes, this was not to be and the life that is now will always be in the company of those that have lost some one or something to the past.

So, I am left here thinking how do I first get myself up and back to good self esteem and then how on earth am I ever going to find a lover that will fit like a dovetail into my life, where neither loses but gains affection, security and admiration, what is the key to this success and how can the plot be re planned for success in the future? Sadly my present lady sees the problem as mine and for this reason I am sure that what my friend says about the relationship is true. Lack of meeting of minds over a fundamental question like this is clearly not a suitable starting point for any long term relationship but can still leave you as very true friends, not all as to be lost in this voyage of self-enlightenment.